Our timeline:
•October 15th my dad tested positive for Covid
•October 19th I suspected I might be pregnant
•October 27th I took a pregnancy test at 6am
It was positive
I felt so excited and cried tears of joy
I picked out a shirt to buy and asked Joe if he thought I should buy it for myself for my birthday...that’s how I told him
He was so excited too
I called my OB at 8am to schedule an appointment
They scheduled me for a phone appointment on November 3rd and then my first ultrasound on November 17th
•Moved my mom into our house on October 28th so that she could recover at our house in case my dad wasn’t covid free yet
•Mom had surgery October 29th
I cried way too hard on my drive home from dropping her off and watching her hobble away on her own
It was a day full of waiting and nerves
I was a little nauseous but kept stress snacking on salt and vinegar chips
Finally heard moms surgery went well and she was in recovery
She was told she would have to stay in the hospital longer than expected and then move to a rehabilitation center for a few weeks
I was a nervous wreck and was crying over everything
•October 31st my mom FaceTimed me and the emotions were so high but I had to keep them under control because I didn’t want to tell her I was pregnant yet and worry her
•November 3rd Ranger got out and ran away. It was 6am and 20 degrees outside so I spent the morning working and posting on every Facebook page I could think of. A neighbor found him by my parents house and I ran the entire way there and carried him back home. Then I had my over the phone appointment and updated all my health history and the nurse congratulated me on baby #3 and told me I’d be a pro
•November 6th I had to log out of work and rush to get taetum (because she was having potty issues later to find out that it wasn’t potty issues but a boy kicking her in the privates) then rush home and keep working
•November 6th we told my mom, dad, hannah, tiara, joes mom, joes grandma and joes siblings
•November 7th we rearranged the living room because I envisioned it differently for when the baby comes
•November 11th was my sisters birthday and I so badly didn’t want her to feel forgotten with all of the hullabaloo going on in our family so I made her dinner and pumpkin roll on •November 8th
The beef stew I made was so hard for me to choke down without throwing up.
•November 9th I had to leave work again to pick up taetum due to the same boy kicking her in the privates then rush home and keep working
•November 10th I had to rush on my lunch to pick up Ezra due to him hitting his teachers then rush back home and keep working
•November 13th I made chicken teriyaki and rice. The minute the chicken started cooking I knew I was going to be sick. I kept it in the oven until Joe got home and made him throw it out. From that moment the thought of chicken made me want to puke
•November 14th my mom came home
I checked on her constantly and wanted to make sure she was perfectly ok and had everything she needed
•November 15th was my birthday and we were supposed to get tacos but my favorite taco place was closed and I was so terrified to get chicken tacos so we opted for a different taco place and got shredded beef tacos rice and beans. I can usually eat 4 tacos and some rice and beans but that night I only ate 2 and a few spoonfuls of rice and beans
•November 17th we went to our appointment full of hope and excitement. In the ultrasound the tech measured the baby’s heartbeat at 81 bpm I knew that was too low and instantly started googling and so did joe. I messaged my sister instantly and told her something wasn’t right and she told me to stop googling. The doctor came in to talk to us and let us know I would need to come back in a week to follow up and the odds weren’t good.
The next week was full of fear, stress, dry heaving and so much praying. We were still full of faith and were so sure God would give us a miracle
•November 21st my sister threw me an amazing birthday party and more people than we anticipated showed up and my heart was so full. To keep positive we opted to tell our close friends that we were pregnant. We were positive that God would give us a miracle and everything would be fine
•November 23 we went in for our follow up full of so much worry. Sure enough the second the tech found the baby I saw there was no heartbeat. She still measured for one anyway and then let us know that she didn’t see one. I wanted to jump off the table and just leave then and there. I couldn’t stop crying. I was so full of hope that we would give Taetum and Ezra another sibling. The sibling taetum had been praying for for years. I kept thinking of how I would break the news to her and my heart just kept breaking over and over.
The doctor came in and told me I had a missed miscarriage and that there were options. We were advised to do the wait and see how it goes method over medication or d&c.
•November 27th exactly 1 month after finding out I was pregnant. I’m numb and don’t know what to feel or think.
•November 29th I started to feel weird. Just not myself. That night I started getting lower back pain. Almost like contractions. Putting the kids to bed I got about a 45 second abdominal contraction but no bleeding and still had nausea and sore chest and extreme fatigue
The back contractions have started tonight around 5pm. I read one lady’s story that said she had contractions for 2 weeks before passing her baby and seeing any other symptoms go away.
•November 30th is exactly 1 week since we confirmed the baby’s heartbeat was gone but my body was still hanging onto that baby with every ounce of hope it had.
I have cramping but it just feels like implantation cramping. My back though is killing me!
•December 1st the contractions are getting stronger. I sat on the toilet begging God through tears of pain and sorrow to let me pass the baby and to be able to move on from this awful time. It’s the first time since our ultrasound that I’ve actually allowed myself to bawl freely.
Contractions get worse as I try to sleep. They wake me every time I start to doze off. I move to the couch because the whole family is in our bed and taetum is yelling out and thrashing. At 1am I have strong contractions and just completely break down crying thanking God for the contractions no matter how badly they hurt because I know it’s my body at work. I thank God for the miracle of conception and life and that even though this baby wasn’t meant for me to keep here on earth I know God blessed me with a guardian angel. The pain emotionally is so much and I cry for a solid half hour. I don’t think any sleep is coming tonight. I know I’ve been trying too hard to be strong for taetum and for Joe but being honest with myself tonight I realize that I’ve been strong for them because I knew that if they were sad or crying that I would be too and I don’t want to be sad or angry. I don’t want to wallow and fall into the victim hood hole. I don’t want to fall so deep into depression again that I feel there’s no way out like I did so many years ago. I want to be understanding that this is part of Gods greater plan. That God is in control not me. But the harder I cry the contractions stop. I get myself together and write this all down. Hoping and praying I’ll get a little sleep tonight.
•December 2 my coworker announced she’s pregnant today. It caught me completely off guard and it felt like I was punched in the gut. Of course it’s not her fault she has no idea. I feel bad that I don’t feel excited. I instantly started bawling and wanted to log out of work but I know I can’t run away.
The emotions today have just been so heavy. I thought I was ok with this. I haven’t had many contractions today though. So at least I’m not dealing with emotions and cramping.
•December 3 so far no cramping still. OGA called to check in. They are worried that we are on week 2 with no serious movement and because I am RH negative they want to make sure everything is ok so my body doesn’t attack itself or I go septic or anything. I am scheduled for next Thursday to do blood work and talk about further options depending on what they find. It will be 3 weeks since the baby’s heart stopped at that point. I’m a little nervous.
•December 5 I woke up with the worst cold. Dry nose, sore throat but no fever. Still no more contractions or signs of passing of the baby
It’s 9pm and contractions have started again. I’m praying so hard that this is it.
•December 6 I’d be 10 weeks today...I’m just ready to pass the baby and not worry about this every single day
•December 7 and still NOTHING. To say that I’m getting frustrated is probably an understatement. On top of it all we are all still congested and our humidifiers are not giving any relief. We have oils running because at this point what do I have to lose and the oils are not helping. I’m starting to lose my mind.
•December 10 I had a follow up appointment today. Got my Rogham shot in the butt. I got home and started spotting. Still no cramps or any other symptoms so it’s induction medication for me.
•December 11 4:20 I could not sleep so I decided to take my first dose of medicine. I laid down and in 2 minutes I started cramping. The contractions were far worse than being in full term labor. I was able to lay down and rest but not fully sleep. At some point Ezra came and snuggled up to me and he whispered “I got you mommy” and when I asked “what” he was sound asleep.
8:20 took my second dose and already dying again within a minute. I have pain medication but I mean I don’t feel like this is something I absolutely can’t handle. Maybe it would make it more bearable?
11:30 and I feel so much pressure it feels like my bladder is going to explode! I slowly creep my way to the bathroom and sit on the toilet. As I start to pee I feel the most pressure and then I feel the sac slip out and hear it hit the water.
I sat there for a minute contemplating whether to look or not. I finally muster up the courage to look and it’s pretty gross. If you’re squeamish stop reading now. It was a big blob of blood. I picked it up because the dr said once it happens I have to confirm and make sure it is the sac and sure enough you could see a tiny little white/creamish color baby inside. It is so so tiny like around the size of my big toe nail but I can see the umbilical chord, the head, the arms and legs, it still has a little tail...and the dark red heart. It’s so so tiny. I don’t know what to do. I just stare at it for a good 5 minutes not knowing what to do. I burst into tears and whispered “I’m so sorry baby”. I wrapped it in toilet paper and laid it back in the toilet. I can’t bring myself to flush it though so it’s just sitting there. I feel so horrible. I texted Joe and my sister “what do I do? I literally don’t know what to do right now. I legit cannot flush this toilet!” My sister suggested talking to the baby and saying goodbye. I talked to it a bit. Apologizing that it didn’t get to grow the way it should have and that my body didn’t develop its genes and chromosomes properly. That I’m so sorry I can’t hold it longer. That it’s daddy never got to meet it. I apologized for a million things and told that baby how much I love it and then left it there because I still can’t bring myself to flush.
After passing the baby I went to lay down. But was freaking out about what to do with the baby so much that I ended up back in the bathroom and threw up...all over the baby. It made me cry so much. Before I knew it I was flushing out of instinct and then panic whisper shouting “no no no stop!” but what could I do I had already flushed. So I cried some more.
Finally got back in bed and was about to text my mother in law to come to the room but she walked in just as I picked up my phone so I told her and we both sat in my bed and cried. Then I texted my mom and my best friend to let them know it finally happened. About an hour after my dad texted me to check in and tell me he loves me and that he’s praying for me. I told him I passed the baby and he said he was so sorry I had to go through that and that he loves me so much. My mom texted me too wishing the baby to Rest In Peace and telling me how much she loves me. The support system I have is honestly the best. My sister checked on me frequently to be sure I was ok. I appreciate her so much.
Why am I posting this? Because miscarriage is still so taboo and it shouldn’t be. I’ve miscarried before, nothing like this, but I’ve always been so ashamed to talk about it and that’s not right. Women need to be able to talk about their experience and hold each other up during these times. The statistic is 1 in 4....it’s got to be more common than that because I know so many people who have been affected by miscarriage. If you’ve been affected by miscarriage and need someone to talk to please reach out to me. I’m here for you!
Thank you to my friends who keep reaching out and praying for us and sending me the kindest and most heartwarming texts and phone calls. I love you all so so much!
Miscarriage is hard...don’t keep silent. It is NOT your fault, miscarriages and missed miscarriages are mostly due to chromosomal abnormalities. Reach out, get support, don’t do it alone!
